Awesome Tom is Crushing

Everyone knows Tony Romo might have gotten a bit distracted this week by 2003 poster girl Jessica Simpson, but not too many people are paying attention to the (far more disturbing) reason for Tom Brady's 14 for 27, 140 yard, 0 TD, 1 Int performance against the miserable Jets.

He'll take the mystery box

Poor Joe Gibbs has been making some awfully poor decisions lately, but this should be of little surprise to anyone. Joe clearly has a history of poor decision making:

I'm pretty proud of this little guy...

Boobies!

I made this, along with a few others, to torment KSK's UM during his self-imposed sabbatical from pumping his own gas. See the others here.

Ricardo Colclough Found Alive

Cleveland - Presumed former NFL cornerback Ricardo Colclough was found alive today on the Cleveland Browns active roster after being declared dead late last year. Ricardo was presumed dead after he had gone missing during the 2006 NFL season. During a difficult season in which he struggled with mental errors and turnovers, and eventually ceded kick returning duties to rookie Santonio Holmes, Ricardo became the subject of repeated confrontations with then-Coach Bill Cowher. After the national media raised questions about the highly suspicious disappearance of the former second round pick, the Pittsburgh Police Department issued a brief statement:

"Nah yinz listen here, after a very thorough investigation, we've determined that Coach Cowher definitely didn't strangle Ricky, crush his trachea, and t'row him in the Allegheny. Nah lets go dahn there a Permanny's an' get some sammiches."

No formal investigation followed the disappearance.

Concerned teammate and avid dog-lover Hines Ward was one of the last to speak on the matter:

"Hines Ward see Ricky getting yerred at all the time. Coach Cowher yerr at him, he say things like 'DROP THE BARR AGAIN AND I WILL MARRY YOUR JUNK WITH A FERAL BOAR!!'. Rast time Coach carr Ricky into his office, Ricky not come out. Coach Cowher say he 'sreeps with the whitefishes'."

Please, Jebus, Stop Boston

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes this holiday season...



Have you ever seen someone playing Madden (or any other sports game) on a difficulty level that they had clearly mastered, and asked them why the fuck they were even playing the game?

That's the Patriots this year.

A Modest Proposal

Hey, it couldn't hurt.

Please take a moment to appreciate irony

Because even ESPN.com recognizes that ESPN doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sports.

Future News: Mustachioed Man Attacks Bengals' Plane

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Cincinnati, OH -- Panic arose early Saturday afternoon as traffic controllers received a distress call from the Cincinnati Bengals team plane. The terrifying distress call transcript:

"Mayday! Mayday! CVG control this is tango foxtrot 987, we have lost pressure and are losing altitude rapidl-

WE ALL GONNA FUCKIN DIE!! SHIT ON FIRE IN THIS BITCH! AHHHH

Give me that! CVG control we have lost both engines! Require immediate emerg-

OCHO CINCO CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS! 85 IS TOO BEAUTIFUL! I SEE THE ENDZONE! I'M GONNA JUMP!

Chad no! There's a parachute right here! ... *static* ... then all is lost "

That was the last that was heard from flight FT987, which took off just moments earlier en route to Seattle, carrying the entire Bengals franchise. The plane crashed just moments after the final transmission, instantly killing every member of the Bengals - except for Chad Johnson, who had died seconds earlier one yard shy of the endzone in Paul Brown Stadium.

Witnesses described the scene as chaotic and terrifying. Police have but one lead on the cause of the crash: a mysterious man was seen parachuting from the tactfully-striped Boeing 777 just seconds before it erupted in a ball of fire. One resourceful citizen was able to snap a few photographs:

Unidentified Assailant

Mustachioed Bandit

When reached for comment on this tragedy of epic proportions, an apparantly winded Commissioner Roger Goodell issued the following statement.

"This is most certainly the single worst tragedy in NFL history, and we send our condolences to the family, friends, and fans of the entire Bengals franchise - all of whom are dead inside that fiery plane."

When a reporter commented on desperate nature of Pro Bowl receiver Chad Johnson's jump from the plane, Commissioner Goodell interrupted, "He's dead though, right? I mean, he's.. he's dead? Ok, goo-... I mean, it's good that he didn't suffer the plane crash... But we're sure he's dead, right?"

He followed, "We will all miss and mourn the storied and respected franchise of the Cincinnati Bengals."

When asked if the last four years of repeated arrests and suspensions would ultimately detract from that respected history, Goodell replied:

"Absolutely it wi- Ohoho! I almost walked right into that one!" He added, "You guys."

Marginally True Sports Star Stories: Jim Marshall

Legendary football star Jim Marshall was born December 30, 1937 in the tiny town of Danville, KY into a life of adversity, triumph, innovation, and above all - football. Not overly large by today's defensive end standards, Marshall eventually grew to the then-record height of 6'3" and weighed a then mind-boggling 235 lbs. The next largest in his family was Jim's uncle Henry, who stood a 1940's-impressive 5'8". Given Jim's size and natural tendency towards mauling, a career in the NFL was all but inevitable for this young man.

Jim played college football at Ohio State University, spending his meager time outside the classroom both working on his 3 point stance and, perhaps more infamously, on his night moves. A notorious womanizer, Marshall was known throughout the Colombus area for his "sub-fucking-stantial girth". Local ERs became so inundated with Marshall's ladies that the acronym GFBJM (Got Fucked By Jim Marshall) was added to admission forms. He left school before his senior year, and played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders (previously the Sasketchewan Easy Lovers) of the Canadian Football League.

He was then drafted in the 4th round of the NFL draft by the Cleveland Browns. Marshall played the 1960 season with the Browns. While not known for his on-the-field exploits in Cleveland, he nonetheless remains a substantial part of Cleveland lore. After one particularly celebratory night that included dinner (87 spicy garlic wings) and well over 47 cans of Coors original, Jim made his eternal contribution to the rich culture of Cleveland. Whilst artfully breast-thrusting a young waitress, Jim felt an unstoppable urge to rid himself of the previously mentioned spicy garlic wings he had so thoroughly enjoyed hours earlier. On a cold November 1960 night in one of Cleveland's most romantic alleys, Jim Marshall invented the Cleveland Steamer.

Jim Marshall's Innovative Work

Jim played from 1961 to 1979 with the Minnesota Vikings. He started in 270 consecutive games at defensive end from 1961 to 1979, a National Football League record for consecutive starts.

He played in Pro Bowls after the 1968 and 1969 NFL seasons. Having recovered 29 fumbles, an NFL record, Jim was a famed member of the Vikings' famous "Purple People Eaters".

Marshall was involved in an embarrassing professional moment on October 25, 1964. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall recovered a fumble, but ran 66 yards with it the wrong way, into his own end zone. Thinking that he had scored a touchdown for the Vikings, Marshall then threw the ball away in celebration. The ball landed out of bounds, resulting in a safety for the 49ers. Fortunately for Marshall, his Vikings won the game 27-22, in part because of a key sack and fumble he forced after his miscue. Marshall later received a telephone call from Roy Riegles, who had run the wrong way for a safety in the 1929 Rose Bowl that his University of California team lost, 8-7.

When asked for a comment on the gaff after the game, Jim said cryptically, "bitch I fuck you."

Jim Marshall is currently retired and resides in the small town of St. Liu Croix in Southwestern Florida, where even at the age of 70 he hones his groundbreaking techniques.

Introducing choosepoorly.com...

From the creative genius that's brought you:

Candid Ookie!

Cleveland Bitterness

and


Mo Steely...

...comes choosepoorly.com. I'll be posting random, generally sports related photoshops and other often sarcastic, occasionally funny content.

I've backfilled a couple of old posts I've done previously, but after that it's all new shit, holmes.

*Not Santonio Holmes, that guy's a fuck.

AndyAudas.com Marginally True Sports Star Stories: Cory Snyder

Cory Snyder, great late 80’s baseball hero and beloved American, was born and raised in Topeka, Kansas. As a Mormon, young Snyder was honored and revered by members of his church as a direct descendant of Joseph Smith himself. Yet, he was troubled by the ridicules of non-Mormon classmates. Salvation soon came, as Cory blossomed into a sports hero at a very young age. Cory took especially well to the game of baseball, where he excelled even at the age of nine in his first little league game. It wasn’t until his high school years that his body caught up with his excellent baseball mind, and he developed the tools that would one day take him sort of close to what might be considered the top of baseball during what is widely considered one of lowest points in its history. He had all of the so-called “Five Six Tools O’ Doom”: a cannon for an arm, amazing speed, fielding agility, hitting, and power hitting, and a gorgeous, flowing moustache. A blond gorgeous, flowing moustache.

Yes that moustache caught the eyes of some of the nation’s top baseball recruiters. Logically, Cory sorted through all of the scholarship offers to attend … Bringham Young University. In his first game, he hit three home runs in his first three at-bats against UNLV. He continued to excel, hitting .450 with 27 home runs and 85 RBI’s and generally embarrassing teammates such as Wally Joyner, Rick Aguilera and former White Sox pitcher Scott Nielsen. After a dominating college career, MLB scouts drooled over that which was Cory Snyder, and he was drafted 4th overall by the Cleveland Indians in 1984. Cory even went on to make America proud with a Silver Medal in the 1984 Olympics, outshining such stars as Mark McGwire and Barry Larkin.

Cory took the fast track to success in the star-studded early 80’s Cleveland farm system that would one day yield such greats as Joey Belle, Jay Bell, and… Alex Cole. And Rated Rookie Andy Allanson. Debuting in 1986, Cory and his moustache would quickly show the world what they could do, smashing 24 home runs and slugging .500 in only 103 games. 1987 was a similarly splendid year, during which Snyder blasted 33 home runs, walked a staggering 33 times, and struck out a meager 166 times.

Unfortunately, those who fly so close to the sun on golden moustaches often find themselves the envy of the gods. In a cruel twist of fate, it would be the very moustache from which Cory drew so much strength that would prove his downfall. While having such a uniquely blond moustache was a boon that no man could resist, it was with that blond godsend that enabled Cory to maneuver around MLB’s incredibly strict drug policies. By early 1988, Cory had done what many at the near-top do, he turned to drugs. Cory, brilliant as he was, realized that he could store cocaine in his moustache, and his plan worked well enough to completely derail his promising career.

Battling drug addiction from 1988 through the end of his MLB career in 1994, Cory was still one of the most intimidating hitters during this period. Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan on Cory Snyder, “Cory Snyder scared the living hell out of me. He never broke eye contact with the pitcher, and when not screaming at the pitch – he literally screamed at the baseball while it was in the air – he would scream at me. Mostly it was gibberish, but you could tell he was trying to get you to look into his moustache. It usually worked, because all my pitches ended up in the dirt. He still swung at them, though. That dude was scary.”

After retiring in 1994, Snyder disappeared. He wasn’t seen for 7 years, until he surfaced at a YMCA softball tournament. Reportedly, he hit nine home runs in the three game tournament, as well as two opponents, an umpire, and three fans. After his last shot cleared an estimated 480 feet, he hurled his bat at the centerfield scoreboard and collapsed on the spot. On June 17, 2001, Cory Snyder died of a massive coronary at the age of 39.

R.I.P. Cory

The Definition of a Sport

The Final Definition of a Sport

Let’s get this straight right now, golf, poker, and racing – you’re NOT sports. How come everything that involves competition gets tagged by some idiot commentator as a sport? Shoving hot dogs down your throat like a Howard Stern sideshow doesn’t mean you’re a sports hero, Takeru Kobayashi. Sports are a very narrow category that includes baseball, football, hockey, soccer, basketball, tennis, and even volleyball. Why? Because – and this is the end of it – a true sport pits two and only two sides encompassed within a specifically tailored area of play against each other in active competition centered around a central object and employing an objective and integral scoring system. If it doesn’t fit that definition, it’s not a sport. That doesn’t mean it’s not difficult, or its competitors don’t deserve respect. I know golf is hard, and poker requires years to really master. Too bad, they’re both games. Olympic hurdling and NASCAR are both physically demanding, but again, too damn bad. They’re competitions, not sports. If you disagree, you’re wrong.

The Choose Poorly Manifesto

The Choose Poorly Manifesto

Hello children, welcome to class. Can anyone tell me what could instantly brand someone as a tool while simultaneously making millions grow to hate a cancer surviving American hero? That’s right, the LiveStrong bracelet. Thankfully, this ill-gotten craze is all but dead. So why write an article about a dying fad….well, because I just recently gained access to a public forum. Now, I can let the whole world about an alternative to the LiveStrong lifestyle. It’s the Choose Poorly experience.

Why shouldn’t I LiveStrong? Lance does!

Well, you aren’t Lance Armstrong. In reality, he represents everything that you aren’t. You aren’t a world class athlete. You aren’t a cancer survivor. Note: I’m playing the odds here, if you are any of those things you can probably stop reading now. So why is everyone so keen on “striving for greatness”? That shit’s overrated. Embrace who you are – you lazy, fat, drunken idiot.

What does it mean to choose poorly?

To choose poorly is to stop lying to yourself. Stop trying to be something you aren’t. Stop trying to better yourself. Buddha is dead, and your yoga instructor is secretly a porn director; so why listen to them? Do what feels good. Screw up. Who cares? Your kids? Sure they’re yours? Basically, it means feel free to make that easily regrettable decision, for example:

“One more drink?” At least.

“I can’t go out, I have this test in the morning” Do you? Or do you have all night to come up with a great reason you missed the test?

“I don’t have a condom” Awesome! This isn’t a problem unless she makes it one. Don’t give her uterus the chance.

“I really shouldn’t put everything on one roulette spin” James Bond does, and let’s just say that James Bond doesn’t secretly pretend he’s you.

“Shots?! No way!” I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, Nancy.

“I’m not sure she’s 18” All’s fair until you’re certain she isn’t 18. Even then, know your state laws.

“Let’s take this outside!” Don’t say anything, just throw him through the nearest window. That hot bartender loves a real man.

Let me guess: You’re a genius! I’ve always wanted to act like an irresponsible malcontent, but I just needed some guidance!

Why the background?

Seriously? Get off my site, you blazing 'mo. Do not question tits.

Just in case you accidentally and heterosexually stumbled onto this post, here's the genius of the background:

1. Breasts are AWESOME.
2. You'll come back to this site solely to subconsciously stare at the background
3. When little miss famous actress's lawyers contact me and threaten me, that's an in!