The Choose Poorly Manifesto

The Choose Poorly Manifesto

Hello children, welcome to class. Can anyone tell me what could instantly brand someone as a tool while simultaneously making millions grow to hate a cancer surviving American hero? That’s right, the LiveStrong bracelet. Thankfully, this ill-gotten craze is all but dead. So why write an article about a dying fad….well, because I just recently gained access to a public forum. Now, I can let the whole world about an alternative to the LiveStrong lifestyle. It’s the Choose Poorly experience.

Why shouldn’t I LiveStrong? Lance does!

Well, you aren’t Lance Armstrong. In reality, he represents everything that you aren’t. You aren’t a world class athlete. You aren’t a cancer survivor. Note: I’m playing the odds here, if you are any of those things you can probably stop reading now. So why is everyone so keen on “striving for greatness”? That shit’s overrated. Embrace who you are – you lazy, fat, drunken idiot.

What does it mean to choose poorly?

To choose poorly is to stop lying to yourself. Stop trying to be something you aren’t. Stop trying to better yourself. Buddha is dead, and your yoga instructor is secretly a porn director; so why listen to them? Do what feels good. Screw up. Who cares? Your kids? Sure they’re yours? Basically, it means feel free to make that easily regrettable decision, for example:

“One more drink?” At least.

“I can’t go out, I have this test in the morning” Do you? Or do you have all night to come up with a great reason you missed the test?

“I don’t have a condom” Awesome! This isn’t a problem unless she makes it one. Don’t give her uterus the chance.

“I really shouldn’t put everything on one roulette spin” James Bond does, and let’s just say that James Bond doesn’t secretly pretend he’s you.

“Shots?! No way!” I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, Nancy.

“I’m not sure she’s 18” All’s fair until you’re certain she isn’t 18. Even then, know your state laws.

“Let’s take this outside!” Don’t say anything, just throw him through the nearest window. That hot bartender loves a real man.

Let me guess: You’re a genius! I’ve always wanted to act like an irresponsible malcontent, but I just needed some guidance!