Cincinnati, OH -- Panic arose early Saturday afternoon as traffic controllers received a distress call from the Cincinnati Bengals team plane. The terrifying distress call transcript:
"Mayday! Mayday! CVG control this is tango foxtrot 987, we have lost pressure and are losing altitude rapidl-
WE ALL GONNA FUCKIN DIE!! SHIT ON FIRE IN THIS BITCH! AHHHH
Give me that! CVG control we have lost both engines! Require immediate emerg-
OCHO CINCO CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS! 85 IS TOO BEAUTIFUL! I SEE THE ENDZONE! I'M GONNA JUMP!
Chad no! There's a parachute right here!
That was the last that was heard from flight FT987, which took off just moments earlier en route to Seattle, carrying the entire Bengals franchise. The plane crashed just moments after the final transmission, instantly killing every member of the Bengals - except for Chad Johnson, who had died seconds earlier one yard shy of the endzone in Paul Brown Stadium.
Unidentified Assailant
Mustachioed BanditWhen reached for comment on this tragedy of epic proportions, an apparantly winded Commissioner Roger Goodell issued the following statement.
"This is most certainly the single worst tragedy in NFL history, and we send our condolences to the family, friends, and fans of the entire Bengals franchise - all of whom are dead inside that fiery plane."
When a reporter commented on desperate nature of Pro Bowl receiver Chad Johnson's jump from the plane, Commissioner Goodell interrupted, "He's dead though, right? I mean, he's.. he's dead? Ok, goo-... I mean, it's good that he didn't suffer the plane crash... But we're sure he's dead, right?"
He followed, "We will all miss and mourn the storied and respected franchise of the Cincinnati Bengals."
When asked if the last four years of repeated arrests and suspensions would ultimately detract from that respected history, Goodell replied:
"Absolutely it wi- Ohoho! I almost walked right into that one!" He added, "You guys."
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