Marginally True Sports Star Stories: Jim Marshall

Legendary football star Jim Marshall was born December 30, 1937 in the tiny town of Danville, KY into a life of adversity, triumph, innovation, and above all - football. Not overly large by today's defensive end standards, Marshall eventually grew to the then-record height of 6'3" and weighed a then mind-boggling 235 lbs. The next largest in his family was Jim's uncle Henry, who stood a 1940's-impressive 5'8". Given Jim's size and natural tendency towards mauling, a career in the NFL was all but inevitable for this young man.

Jim played college football at Ohio State University, spending his meager time outside the classroom both working on his 3 point stance and, perhaps more infamously, on his night moves. A notorious womanizer, Marshall was known throughout the Colombus area for his "sub-fucking-stantial girth". Local ERs became so inundated with Marshall's ladies that the acronym GFBJM (Got Fucked By Jim Marshall) was added to admission forms. He left school before his senior year, and played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders (previously the Sasketchewan Easy Lovers) of the Canadian Football League.

He was then drafted in the 4th round of the NFL draft by the Cleveland Browns. Marshall played the 1960 season with the Browns. While not known for his on-the-field exploits in Cleveland, he nonetheless remains a substantial part of Cleveland lore. After one particularly celebratory night that included dinner (87 spicy garlic wings) and well over 47 cans of Coors original, Jim made his eternal contribution to the rich culture of Cleveland. Whilst artfully breast-thrusting a young waitress, Jim felt an unstoppable urge to rid himself of the previously mentioned spicy garlic wings he had so thoroughly enjoyed hours earlier. On a cold November 1960 night in one of Cleveland's most romantic alleys, Jim Marshall invented the Cleveland Steamer.

Jim Marshall's Innovative Work

Jim played from 1961 to 1979 with the Minnesota Vikings. He started in 270 consecutive games at defensive end from 1961 to 1979, a National Football League record for consecutive starts.

He played in Pro Bowls after the 1968 and 1969 NFL seasons. Having recovered 29 fumbles, an NFL record, Jim was a famed member of the Vikings' famous "Purple People Eaters".

Marshall was involved in an embarrassing professional moment on October 25, 1964. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall recovered a fumble, but ran 66 yards with it the wrong way, into his own end zone. Thinking that he had scored a touchdown for the Vikings, Marshall then threw the ball away in celebration. The ball landed out of bounds, resulting in a safety for the 49ers. Fortunately for Marshall, his Vikings won the game 27-22, in part because of a key sack and fumble he forced after his miscue. Marshall later received a telephone call from Roy Riegles, who had run the wrong way for a safety in the 1929 Rose Bowl that his University of California team lost, 8-7.

When asked for a comment on the gaff after the game, Jim said cryptically, "bitch I fuck you."

Jim Marshall is currently retired and resides in the small town of St. Liu Croix in Southwestern Florida, where even at the age of 70 he hones his groundbreaking techniques.

AndyAudas.com Marginally True Sports Star Stories: Cory Snyder

Cory Snyder, great late 80’s baseball hero and beloved American, was born and raised in Topeka, Kansas. As a Mormon, young Snyder was honored and revered by members of his church as a direct descendant of Joseph Smith himself. Yet, he was troubled by the ridicules of non-Mormon classmates. Salvation soon came, as Cory blossomed into a sports hero at a very young age. Cory took especially well to the game of baseball, where he excelled even at the age of nine in his first little league game. It wasn’t until his high school years that his body caught up with his excellent baseball mind, and he developed the tools that would one day take him sort of close to what might be considered the top of baseball during what is widely considered one of lowest points in its history. He had all of the so-called “Five Six Tools O’ Doom”: a cannon for an arm, amazing speed, fielding agility, hitting, and power hitting, and a gorgeous, flowing moustache. A blond gorgeous, flowing moustache.

Yes that moustache caught the eyes of some of the nation’s top baseball recruiters. Logically, Cory sorted through all of the scholarship offers to attend … Bringham Young University. In his first game, he hit three home runs in his first three at-bats against UNLV. He continued to excel, hitting .450 with 27 home runs and 85 RBI’s and generally embarrassing teammates such as Wally Joyner, Rick Aguilera and former White Sox pitcher Scott Nielsen. After a dominating college career, MLB scouts drooled over that which was Cory Snyder, and he was drafted 4th overall by the Cleveland Indians in 1984. Cory even went on to make America proud with a Silver Medal in the 1984 Olympics, outshining such stars as Mark McGwire and Barry Larkin.

Cory took the fast track to success in the star-studded early 80’s Cleveland farm system that would one day yield such greats as Joey Belle, Jay Bell, and… Alex Cole. And Rated Rookie Andy Allanson. Debuting in 1986, Cory and his moustache would quickly show the world what they could do, smashing 24 home runs and slugging .500 in only 103 games. 1987 was a similarly splendid year, during which Snyder blasted 33 home runs, walked a staggering 33 times, and struck out a meager 166 times.

Unfortunately, those who fly so close to the sun on golden moustaches often find themselves the envy of the gods. In a cruel twist of fate, it would be the very moustache from which Cory drew so much strength that would prove his downfall. While having such a uniquely blond moustache was a boon that no man could resist, it was with that blond godsend that enabled Cory to maneuver around MLB’s incredibly strict drug policies. By early 1988, Cory had done what many at the near-top do, he turned to drugs. Cory, brilliant as he was, realized that he could store cocaine in his moustache, and his plan worked well enough to completely derail his promising career.

Battling drug addiction from 1988 through the end of his MLB career in 1994, Cory was still one of the most intimidating hitters during this period. Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan on Cory Snyder, “Cory Snyder scared the living hell out of me. He never broke eye contact with the pitcher, and when not screaming at the pitch – he literally screamed at the baseball while it was in the air – he would scream at me. Mostly it was gibberish, but you could tell he was trying to get you to look into his moustache. It usually worked, because all my pitches ended up in the dirt. He still swung at them, though. That dude was scary.”

After retiring in 1994, Snyder disappeared. He wasn’t seen for 7 years, until he surfaced at a YMCA softball tournament. Reportedly, he hit nine home runs in the three game tournament, as well as two opponents, an umpire, and three fans. After his last shot cleared an estimated 480 feet, he hurled his bat at the centerfield scoreboard and collapsed on the spot. On June 17, 2001, Cory Snyder died of a massive coronary at the age of 39.

R.I.P. Cory