I'm pretty proud of this little guy...

Boobies!

I made this, along with a few others, to torment KSK's UM during his self-imposed sabbatical from pumping his own gas. See the others here.

Ricardo Colclough Found Alive

Cleveland - Presumed former NFL cornerback Ricardo Colclough was found alive today on the Cleveland Browns active roster after being declared dead late last year. Ricardo was presumed dead after he had gone missing during the 2006 NFL season. During a difficult season in which he struggled with mental errors and turnovers, and eventually ceded kick returning duties to rookie Santonio Holmes, Ricardo became the subject of repeated confrontations with then-Coach Bill Cowher. After the national media raised questions about the highly suspicious disappearance of the former second round pick, the Pittsburgh Police Department issued a brief statement:

"Nah yinz listen here, after a very thorough investigation, we've determined that Coach Cowher definitely didn't strangle Ricky, crush his trachea, and t'row him in the Allegheny. Nah lets go dahn there a Permanny's an' get some sammiches."

No formal investigation followed the disappearance.

Concerned teammate and avid dog-lover Hines Ward was one of the last to speak on the matter:

"Hines Ward see Ricky getting yerred at all the time. Coach Cowher yerr at him, he say things like 'DROP THE BARR AGAIN AND I WILL MARRY YOUR JUNK WITH A FERAL BOAR!!'. Rast time Coach carr Ricky into his office, Ricky not come out. Coach Cowher say he 'sreeps with the whitefishes'."

Please, Jebus, Stop Boston

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes this holiday season...



Have you ever seen someone playing Madden (or any other sports game) on a difficulty level that they had clearly mastered, and asked them why the fuck they were even playing the game?

That's the Patriots this year.

A Modest Proposal

Hey, it couldn't hurt.

Please take a moment to appreciate irony

Because even ESPN.com recognizes that ESPN doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sports.

Future News: Mustachioed Man Attacks Bengals' Plane

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Cincinnati, OH -- Panic arose early Saturday afternoon as traffic controllers received a distress call from the Cincinnati Bengals team plane. The terrifying distress call transcript:

"Mayday! Mayday! CVG control this is tango foxtrot 987, we have lost pressure and are losing altitude rapidl-

WE ALL GONNA FUCKIN DIE!! SHIT ON FIRE IN THIS BITCH! AHHHH

Give me that! CVG control we have lost both engines! Require immediate emerg-

OCHO CINCO CAN'T DIE LIKE THIS! 85 IS TOO BEAUTIFUL! I SEE THE ENDZONE! I'M GONNA JUMP!

Chad no! There's a parachute right here! ... *static* ... then all is lost "

That was the last that was heard from flight FT987, which took off just moments earlier en route to Seattle, carrying the entire Bengals franchise. The plane crashed just moments after the final transmission, instantly killing every member of the Bengals - except for Chad Johnson, who had died seconds earlier one yard shy of the endzone in Paul Brown Stadium.

Witnesses described the scene as chaotic and terrifying. Police have but one lead on the cause of the crash: a mysterious man was seen parachuting from the tactfully-striped Boeing 777 just seconds before it erupted in a ball of fire. One resourceful citizen was able to snap a few photographs:

Unidentified Assailant

Mustachioed Bandit

When reached for comment on this tragedy of epic proportions, an apparantly winded Commissioner Roger Goodell issued the following statement.

"This is most certainly the single worst tragedy in NFL history, and we send our condolences to the family, friends, and fans of the entire Bengals franchise - all of whom are dead inside that fiery plane."

When a reporter commented on desperate nature of Pro Bowl receiver Chad Johnson's jump from the plane, Commissioner Goodell interrupted, "He's dead though, right? I mean, he's.. he's dead? Ok, goo-... I mean, it's good that he didn't suffer the plane crash... But we're sure he's dead, right?"

He followed, "We will all miss and mourn the storied and respected franchise of the Cincinnati Bengals."

When asked if the last four years of repeated arrests and suspensions would ultimately detract from that respected history, Goodell replied:

"Absolutely it wi- Ohoho! I almost walked right into that one!" He added, "You guys."

Marginally True Sports Star Stories: Jim Marshall

Legendary football star Jim Marshall was born December 30, 1937 in the tiny town of Danville, KY into a life of adversity, triumph, innovation, and above all - football. Not overly large by today's defensive end standards, Marshall eventually grew to the then-record height of 6'3" and weighed a then mind-boggling 235 lbs. The next largest in his family was Jim's uncle Henry, who stood a 1940's-impressive 5'8". Given Jim's size and natural tendency towards mauling, a career in the NFL was all but inevitable for this young man.

Jim played college football at Ohio State University, spending his meager time outside the classroom both working on his 3 point stance and, perhaps more infamously, on his night moves. A notorious womanizer, Marshall was known throughout the Colombus area for his "sub-fucking-stantial girth". Local ERs became so inundated with Marshall's ladies that the acronym GFBJM (Got Fucked By Jim Marshall) was added to admission forms. He left school before his senior year, and played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders (previously the Sasketchewan Easy Lovers) of the Canadian Football League.

He was then drafted in the 4th round of the NFL draft by the Cleveland Browns. Marshall played the 1960 season with the Browns. While not known for his on-the-field exploits in Cleveland, he nonetheless remains a substantial part of Cleveland lore. After one particularly celebratory night that included dinner (87 spicy garlic wings) and well over 47 cans of Coors original, Jim made his eternal contribution to the rich culture of Cleveland. Whilst artfully breast-thrusting a young waitress, Jim felt an unstoppable urge to rid himself of the previously mentioned spicy garlic wings he had so thoroughly enjoyed hours earlier. On a cold November 1960 night in one of Cleveland's most romantic alleys, Jim Marshall invented the Cleveland Steamer.

Jim Marshall's Innovative Work

Jim played from 1961 to 1979 with the Minnesota Vikings. He started in 270 consecutive games at defensive end from 1961 to 1979, a National Football League record for consecutive starts.

He played in Pro Bowls after the 1968 and 1969 NFL seasons. Having recovered 29 fumbles, an NFL record, Jim was a famed member of the Vikings' famous "Purple People Eaters".

Marshall was involved in an embarrassing professional moment on October 25, 1964. In a game against the San Francisco 49ers, Marshall recovered a fumble, but ran 66 yards with it the wrong way, into his own end zone. Thinking that he had scored a touchdown for the Vikings, Marshall then threw the ball away in celebration. The ball landed out of bounds, resulting in a safety for the 49ers. Fortunately for Marshall, his Vikings won the game 27-22, in part because of a key sack and fumble he forced after his miscue. Marshall later received a telephone call from Roy Riegles, who had run the wrong way for a safety in the 1929 Rose Bowl that his University of California team lost, 8-7.

When asked for a comment on the gaff after the game, Jim said cryptically, "bitch I fuck you."

Jim Marshall is currently retired and resides in the small town of St. Liu Croix in Southwestern Florida, where even at the age of 70 he hones his groundbreaking techniques.